Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A Short History of Frankzonia

The prime problem in Germania just before and during our time period (the Eighteenth Century, from which derives the eternal problem of why are there always only eight buns for ten franks in a package) was the struggle between the various religious factions. The Frankfurter Bundt is quasi Papist ... this would be due to their deep reverence for St. Peter who uttered those transcendent prophecies:
"It's too early in the day to be drunk;" and "I'm going fishing."

It's true that various popes and other prelates have fulminated against the heretical intent and
behavior of Frankzonians, but they've always been willing to submit to a council and an auto de
fete .... seeing that a fete would be automatic. The famous seven Councils of Octoberfeasts have
all failed to declare any heresy. In fact, only three written documents seem to have survived fromthem. One is a completely illegible scrawl, one has been so fragmented by grease and beer spills as to be irretrievable, and the last, which is at least legible, rambles incoherently but seems to carry the primary import of "the problem is consigned to the nether regions, and like the Apostles, we're going fishing." As a consequence, the region is recognized as a separate rite (the Later in the Day Saints and the Anglers) within the communion.

Given that their fishing expeditions are usually confined to lugubrious trips to local rivers, the
catch remains small, though legends of great fish who got away abound. However, given the
sacredness of fishing, Frankszonia has always tried to maintain good relations with the Hanseatic
league. Also, they've a major thirst for imported wines ... depending on who controls the Rhine at
the moment. In exchange for this, of course, they trade copious amounts of beer, sausages, fishing lures, ceramics, glass ware (both of these usually as ornate steins), and slow cookers.

This unique theological stance, however, created a vis-a-vie between the Catholic and Protestant factions of Hungover and the Brandnameburgers (where they were especially appreciated at the capital, Barline). Furthermore, the connection with various Italian houses around Bologna has led to the establishment of the Picklemany family as a prominent participant in Frankfurter combinations. Moreover the constant need for pickles has generated an unusually tolerant atmosphere for their Kosher population (who dominate the Relischer Brigade) and also has facilitated Polish recruitment for the Kielbasa cavalry regiments.

These special political mixes enabled Frankszonia (capital: Frankfurter on Plain ... a river which flows into the Rye) to create a mix which could achieve some degree of autonomy between the more orthodox Wieners to the east and the more adulterous Franks to their south west (where such things as poultry {the poultroons} and other meats (the Frogs). Under the leadership of “Der Gross Fhartz” Frankszonia was able to establish a loose casing for their alliance called the Frankfurter Bund. Internal rivalries in the Bund, however, have been exploited by outside interest so that Frankszonia is now part of the Sacking interests as opposed to the Cheese faction led out of Limburger and Muenster, which is supported by the Frogs and Poltroons based in Gouda and Edam. Moreover, the increase in the power of Brandnameburgers and their allies, Worstinburgers has created a problem with the Wieners who are seeking to renew their natural alliance with Frankzonia.

Ever since the time of "Der Gross Fhartz,"the government has been dominated by concerns with
pork, supported by the huge oak forest for barrel wood and acorns. Since the time of Der Alte
Fhartz, however, Frankzonia has been looking into potentially more profitable livestock, such as
imported turkeys (some of whom have commanding positions) and cattle breeds. Given that
there is little desirable good grazing land in the forest, leading to the constant complaint in the
Assembly (Der Bundt): "Where's the Beef?", Frankzonia has begun seeking ways to acquire more lush meade lands.

This expansionist program, however, has driven Frankzonia into military rivalries with the
Cheese faction (Limburg, Munster, etc.) and the Wieners for dominance in the Burger Bundt. An alliance with the Hungovers, however, probably means that the resources of Hamburger will
support Frankzonia in this regional grinding.

Furthermore, the recent marriage arranged by the court magician, Ragodust, between young, rash Hzg Stanken Fhartz with the exotic oriental Stuftliana was completed thanks to the good offices of the Hungovers. Thus there is hope for many little Fhartzen munchkins.

Of course, there's the terrible scandal involving a Pigg in a blanket ....


MiniWargamer said...

I have an Orc general named Flatuz... childish minds think alike, I guess!

Sorry about the computer issues. I can truthfully say that everyone on the OS List feels your pain!

Mike Cannon

beth and chris said...

Way too much fun! Keep up the good (and silly) work.

Chris Combs

Bluebear Jeff said...

Welcome to the Land of Blog.

-- Jeff of Saxe-Bearstein